My eight-year-old became a nine-year-old recently. So, for her birthday, my wife and I took 11 little girls to a local skating rink. It was a challenge…but a lot of fun.

My daughters have skated several times before, whereas at least 5 of the 11 girls had not. I watched the kids closely as some of the girls skated around without help and with ease, while others inched their way around by holding onto the rail or falling every few feet. The faces of the kids said it all. The skaters were more confident because they were such better skaters, and the non-skaters were visibly less confident. I was holding one of the non-skaters hands as she worked her way around the rink. Whenever one of her friends whizzed past her she made comments like, “Wow, I didn’t know she was so good,” or “How many times has she skated?”

As the hour or so wore on, the skaters began to help the non-skaters. They all had a blast, but as we left the rink, the skaters walked with a lot more swagger…it was stunning.

So, it’s one of those many little things that can begin a trend of success and confidence. The world of children is very physical and very competitive. It’s almost like the jungle (okay, okay, I’m overstating that a bit…but kids are trying to find their way…to find out who they are and who they should try to become). Skating is an opportunity to gain confidence or lose confidence. I’m glad I’ve invested a little time with my girls in skating…although, I didn’t realize I should be glad until the party the other night.

A Girl Named Pants!

One of my greatest day-to-day challenges is watching my children suffer through…well, anything. I know that there is great value in the obstacles we all face in life. Maybe more value than in the pleasures. Some of us might even be bold enough to say that life’s obstacles are the greatest gifts from God. It’s these that shape us into good men and women. Men and women who are kind, empathetic, courageous, selfless, and maybe even the kind of men and women who do the right thing no matter what the consequences.

But, how do you tell that to an eight-year-old? How do you tell an eight-year-old who is being tormented by classmates for wearing glasses that their suffering will pay off one day? How do you tell a seven-year-old who lost her hamster or dog or brother that in years to come they will be thankful for this experience? How do you provide a long view to someone who has only been on the planet for a few years?

Well, I read a book with my daughters recently that has helped me to do that very thing. The book is called, “The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane.” It’s written by Kate DiCamillo (I don’t know her). Not only is it well written and fun to read, but it has proven to be an invaluable tool to help my children understand this hard-to-understand concept.

The book begins with an arrogant and self-centered china rabbit named Edward Tulane. Throughout the book, Edward experiences many, many challenges. He is tormented, smashed, and even dropped into the bottom of the ocean. Throughout his life, his difficult experiences…his suffering…shapes him. He becomes a kind, compassionate, and loving rabbit.

Within a few nights, my girls were able to see the benefits of life’s obstacles. They were able to walk with Edward as life spit in his face, and see his amazing transformation.

A few days ago, I was discussing the plight of the poor with my daughters. One of them asked me how God could make people go through that? Honestly, I was struggling to come up with a simple way of explaining that to them (since I’m not completely sure myself), when one of my other daughters said, “Edward Tulane, right dad? God’s shaping them, right?” This from the mouth of an eight-year-old.

We talked about this for almost 20 minutes (anyone with 7 and 8 year olds knows that this is a long time). I was able to explain that God will shape us all throughout life, and the same thing could happen to us. We could become poor. We could suffer. We could (and do) face challenges in life. And that’s okay. It doesn’t mean God is mad at us or hates us or isn’t paying attention. Just the opposite. It takes a lot of love to watch someone you love suffer through situations that they NEED to suffer through, and not step in to make it go away.

A Girl Named Pants!

Yes, yes, I know…my last posting was about Hannah Montana’s song lyrics. But I believe it’s important to do one more. As I said in my last posting, song lyrics can provide a great opportunity to build a bridge between us and our kids. The challenge, of course, is finding song lyrics that are worthwhile building material.

I was listening to Hannah Montana with my daughters today and I heard the following lyrics (sorry if I don’t quote the lyrics EXACTLY as she sang them…this is my best recollection), “…We all want to believe in something…something bigger than ourselves.”

One thing I have noticed that is severely lacking in kids in their late teens and early twenties is a focus on something bigger than just them. I want my girls to start to see their place in the bigger picture while they are still young. I want them to begin to appreciate that life is about way more than their immediate and selfish needs. I want them to know that with their lot in life, they have an obligation to do great things…not for themselves, but for the world. This Hannah Montana song provided me with a perfect opportunity to continue that conversation. Because, hey, when Hannah Montana talks, kids listen (sorry E.F. Hutton).

Late in the day we went to BJs to get some stuff for the City Mission. While we were shopping, one of my girls was whining a bit and asked why we had to be there. With barely a moment of hesitation one of my other daughters said, “Because we need to be bigger than ourselves. We need to think about those people who have no money and no homes, and what we can do to help them.” I couldn’t have been prouder or happier. Thanks, Hannah Montana!

A Girl Named Pants!

Yes, yes, you read it correctly. I use the lyrics from one of Hannah Montana’s songs every day to motivate my kids. Keep in mind, I watch TV with my kids on the weekends…sometimes for a big chunk of the day. And while I don’t recall whether Hannah Montana is on Nick or Disney, it’s on a lot, and my daughters really like it…so do I.

The lyrics to one of Hannah Montana’s songs go something like this, “Life’s what you make it, so let’s make it rock!” What a great message! What a great thing to think about when you’re deciding what to do with your day. And, it’s a message that fits in perfectly with the whole theme of A Girl Named Pants!

So, when I’m trying to motivate my kids to take action on something, or do something great with their time, I’ll say, “Olivia (or Emma or Gabrielle), Life’s what you make it, so let’s make it ROCK!” They know I’m quoting Hannah Montana (and, of course, she has way more credibility than I do), and when used in connection with a specific situation, they understand what that phrase really means. You’re here anyway. Time is passing. You can create a blah life for yourself or a memorable…even legendary life for yourself. What will you make your life into? Use the time you have to do great things, to change the world, even if it’s just changing the life of one other person.

Try it with your kids. “Life’s what you make it…so let’s make it ROCK!”

I was chatting with my friend, Tim, recently about ideas for raising confident children. We both agree that it’s critical to know what’s going on in our kids’ lives…every day. My question of the day, though, was how to get my 7 year-olds and 8 year-old to give me information every day. Here’s a typical “after school” discussion:

Dad: “How was your day, girls?”

One or more of my daughters: “Fine.”

Dad: “Well, what did you do today?”

Girls: “Nothing.”

Dad: “Well, you must have done something.”

Girls: “Not really.”

Dad: “Okay, tell me one great thing you did today, and one hard thing that happened today.”

Girls: “Okay, okay. A great thing I did was I went to art class. A hard thing that happened to me was the jelly made the bread all wet on my PB&J sandwich in my lunch.”

It’s a nice way to talk about nothing, but it doesn’t really tell me about their day.

So, my friend Tim told me about a better way. Every day over dinner he asks each kid to “walk me through your day.” They start with getting on the bus, through all their classes, bus ride home, homework, etc. It only takes about five minutes for each kid, but it creates an opportunity for the kids to learn to describe the important information quickly (a valuable skill in life). At the same time it enables Tim to hear seemingly boring little details that could reveal important information over time. Tim can hear about who is annoying his kids on the bus, who they’re sitting with at lunch, what classes get them excited, and all kinds of other little details that might not mean much in isolation, but mean a lot when part of the bigger story…the every day story.

I just started doing it and it works really well. It’s simple. It’s quick. And it creates a format or forum to get the information. Thanks, Tim!

I am an active dad and my yard is often the neighborhood gathering place. So, I hear what 6-10 year-old kids are saying to each other. There is a lot of name calling. It appears that kids are bullies by nature. Some physical and some emotional. But saying that sticks and stones will break our bones but names will never hurt us is simply not good enough. It doesn’t mean anything. It isn’t a compelling statement to shield a child from the nasty names that are inevitably going to be cast at them in life during their young lives.

The other day one of my daughters was upset because someone called her a dork. Rather than simply conclude that names will never hurt her (when clearly that name did hurt her), I explained WHY names will never hurt her. I explained to her that she should be happy when people call her names because it means the other person is jealous of them. People call you names to bring you down, and they only do it if they feel your above them and in need of being brought down. I also told her that all great people in life are laughed at for trying things that no one has done before. Being called names and laughed at means that you are on the road to potential greatness…that you are on the road to changing the way people think…changing the world.

The first time I said this, it didn’t really sink in. So, I continued to do it. I also coupled it with examples of great people who were initially laughed at. And I continue to do that to this day. I am turning name calling into a compliment and being laughed at as a badge of honor.

It seems to be working. What other ways are there to help children to deal with the inevitable name calling that goes hand-in-hand with childhood?

How do you raise confident Daughters? How do you raise confident Sons?

Well, obesity is one of the major problems this country faces. Childhood obesity is out of control. Being fat as an adult leads to all kinds of problems including big problems like heart disease and diabetes, and smaller problems like back aches and sore knees. Not too mention the hard-to-quantify problems like being discriminated against in the work place and in social settings.

So, what do we do? Do we tell them that weight matters or not? Well, my wife and I have decided to talk about the importance of health…not heft. And with discussions of health comes healthy eating and exercise. We have also decided to be healthy role models by eating right and exercising ourselves. Hopefully this will help them to not worry about weight and, and the same time, not become obese.

What do you think?

How do you raise confident daughters?

I believe that public speaking could be the most important of all life-skills. Public speaking skills apply to almost everything. Teaching. Being a student. Sports. Business. Sales. Politics. Research. Law. Medicine. Operations. Living in a neighborhood. Clubs. Relationships…young and old. And yes, public speaking skills also apply to public speaking.

Being able to stand in front of a few people or a few thousand people and be calm enough to make your point…to articulate your message, is a powerful tool…or weapon. And knowing that you can do it is a tremendous source of confidence. Mostly because so few people are confident enough to do it. Being good at this is an immediate differentiator. The one if front of the room is the expert (even if they’re not much of an expert). Being at the podium elevates the speaker.

Now, my plan has been to have my children do show-and-tell at home with me to build their public speaking skills. We do it often. And, my daughters are very confident while standing in front of the crowd…that is, as long as the crowd is comprised only of me and their siblings.

I went to my daughter’s last-day-of-Kindergarten show. With all our practice at home, I expected my daughter to be one of the more confident speakers. I was wrong. She spoke so softly I could barely hear her. She stared at her teacher the entire time. No eye contact with the crowd at all. I was really surprised.

I spoke with her teacher about it afterward. She said that my daughter is confident with the other kids, but seems to have a hard time speaking in front of adults.

With that in mind, I have a new program I am preparing to implement. I am going to offer the opportunity for other parents in the neighborhood to have their kids practice public speaking in my living room. The only catch for the parents is that they have to be there as the adult crowd. In this way, all the kids will get exposure to speaking in front of adults; adults that are not their parents.

Have you ever noticed the difference in handshakes between various people? Sometimes you get the limp fish; sometimes you get the half hand; sometimes you get the quick release; sometimes you get the quick look-away or the quick look-down; and sometimes, when your lucky, you get the firm shake with the firm stare and a smile.

I don’t know enough about the human psyche to know what the various handshakes mean. But, I do know this; when someone shakes my hand firmly, gives me a firm stare, and a smile, I believe they are confident. Whether they really are confident is something to be determined between them and their shrink. But whether they are or aren’t, my first impression is that they are.

And first impressions mean a lot. It’s true that you only have one chance to make a first impression. It’s also true that first impressions create a presumption. If people meet you and think you’re weak, that’s how they’ll treat you. Sure, you can overcome it, but you’re starting behind…it takes effort to overcome a negative presumption. You’re now fighting an uphill battle.

If on the other hand, with your first impression, you portray confidence, you begin the relationship on top. You begin with momentum. You’ll be treated differently, more respectfully. All things are possible.

So, why should it be any different with children? Yes, I know, children don’t typically shake hands with one another. But, children should (and often do) shake hands with adults. And when they do, adults treat them differently. They’re treated as mature…as leaders. Adults are more willing to interact with them. To give them more responsibility. To call them out from the group in subtle ways. And other children see that. Other children will subtly treat them with more respect because of the way adults treat them. Every little bit means a lot as time goes on.

So, a handshake should be natural for them. They should shake hands firmly. They should make eye contact. And they should confidently smile. And parents should practice this and be sure they do it every time. Soon, it will be natural. And soon, adults will treat them with more respect.

I had a conference with my daughter, Olivia’s, first-grade teacher today. The teacher was reporting on Olivia’s progress from the beginning of the school year. We talked about all of the typical things. But when we were finished doing that, I asked about Olivia’s progress in becoming more confident.

You see, since Olivia switched schools from kindergarten to first grade, my wife and I had been concerned that she would have a difficult time being confident with her abilities…being a leader. At the beginning of the year, Olivia was very shy. But her teacher reported that Olivia had become extremely outgoing and confident throughout the year. We asked Olivia’s teacher what she had done to help her to come back out of her shell. Her teacher told us that she had simply asked Olivia to help some of the other students with reading and math.

It appears that asking Olivia to teach others had a double impact. First, it helped Olivia to appreciate how smart she was as she helped other students, and that helped to build her confidence. Second, it helped those she was teaching to appreciate her as a really smart person…and that altered the way they treated her. Over time, Olivia’s classmates began to treat her as a class leader, and that made Olivia feel like more of a class leader.

So, to raise confident daughters, try teaching them to teach others.